Saturday, July 5, 2008

Men Don't Know the Meaning of Bitch...

"Have a Happy Period!"
A man MUST have thought up that slogan...and if it was a woman, she should be shot. I don't think I've EVER had a happy period. Am I the only one?

I also have a husband who doesn't believe that women really experience PMS, but rather we women use PMS as a ploy to treat our men badly. Hmmm... an
d he's one of the lucky ones, cuz I don't really get it badly and haven't ever had a boyfriend complain of me. Most of the women I know act like raging bitches during that time, and yes, honey, it's due to PMS. Occasionally I'll get moody {as usual}, and mabie sometimes a wee bit bitchy, but mostly I turn into a couch-loving blob during that time.

Anyway, I never saw the following actual letter from an Austin woman, have you? She sent it to Proctor and Gamble a while back regarding their feminine products and it was awarded PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. ...
Kudos, Wendi!

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of the
ir features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from th e curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on
what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior . You surely reali ze it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Kayla fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey 's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really th
ink happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy'about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moro
nic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always....

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX


Bunny B said...

LOL! That's funny!! Bunny with Cramps sounds like me! :P
Hope you're having a fab holiday weekend, sweetie!

Mrs.Kwitty said...

AHahahahaha! Oh, that is way too funny!

Thanks for the laugh this morning-you made my day!

Smiles, Karen

Petra said...

HA HA! What a great post to discover this morning!
I didn't get to see that letter either, so thanks for sharing.

I especially love the saying "Being unstable and bitchy is all part of my mystique." I'll have to start using that one on my boyfriend!


windycindy said...

Thanks for making me laugh! I needed this today! Cindi

OakMonster said...

I actually own a magnet with that Being Unstable... thing on it.

Kathy Martin Studio said...

Too funny! I like the bunny!


kara said...

That letter is wicked funny! My hubby gets mad at me when I eat the m&ms out of our trail mix every month. I can't help it! He insists it's all a scam...